In case you missed it (and you probably did), People magazine ran an article Sept. 16 called “Five (More) Things You Didn’t Know About Sarah Palin.” When I saw the title I thought, “Oooh did People magazine get some dirt?” Then I slapped myself for being that stupid, and decided to just read the damn article.
Well, joyous day, you will not believe the goldmine of bullshit I discovered. I actually had to read the article twice, but I’m still not sure if People is being sarcastic. Does People do satire? Upon further review, I really think they are being genuine.
Which is why this country is doomed.
So, you ask, what are these five things I don’t already know about Sarah Palin? Well, here they are, presented in a game I’d like to call People Says/Megan Says:
People says she’s frugal because she gave someone a thank you card and didn’t sign it so the recipient “could use it again.”
Megan says she thinks too highly of herself to sign a fucking card. Why the hell would you give someone a card to THANK THEM for something and not sign your name to the expression of gratitude? Oh yeah, BECAUSE YOU’RE A CRAZY BITCH.
People says she’s a techie because she prefers texting to phone calls.
Megan says no one, NO ONE, who uses Yahoo! (or any other private email service) to circumvent the law and then gets the account hacked is allowed to call themselves a techie. Also, every 13-year-old girl on the planet prefers texting to phone calls. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they are NOT doing this because they are technically savvy.
People says she’s a rock fan because she named her son Trig Paxton Van Palin because it sounds like “Van Halen,” a band of which she is a big fan.
Megan says she’s a REDNECK because she named her son after VAN HALEN. She named her SON after THIS.
People says she’s adaptable because she changed lipstick brands.
Megan says are you fucking kidding me?? Hey at any given time I have three different brands of shampoo in my shower. Can I be secretary of state now?
People says she’s a traditionalist because she’s against waxing her legs. Or rather, against her daughter getting her legs waxed.
Megan says she’s also against her daughter having an abortion even if she was brutally raped, she’s against two people that really love each other but happen to have the same genitalia getting married but is fine with her 17-year-old daughter marrying a self-described “fucking redneck” just because he happened to knock her up, and she’s against sex education even though it should be LARGELY obvious to her that abstinence-only education doesn’t work.
Yes, that traditionalism is working out just great.
Fuck you, People magazine, for making a mockery about a serious issue. Unless you were being sarcastic. But honestly, this country is made up of stupid assholes. Do you really think they’d all get the joke?
I guess we’ll find out in November.