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Questioning authority (again)

by on October 12, 2010, in perpetual student

I think one of the most difficult adjustments to being back in school is the amount of homework that is required. It’s a lot. I could easily spend 15-20 hours a week on the minimum of what is required.

And I have to remind myself that this is school, not work—where if I found myself overwhelmed to the point of not being able to get something done, I could ask for help. It’s strange to find myself involved in something where I am expected to conduct myself semi-professionally—complete assignments on deadline and to a high level of quality—but the return isn’t necessarily the same. Assignments are graded weeks after being turned in, and there is no explanation for how I am graded. One week I might be counted off 2 points for something, and weeks later I might make what seems to be a comparable error (though not the exact same, because that would make me stupid) and I’ll be deducted 10 points. It makes no damn sense.

I guess I’ve gotten used to an open workplace, where if I don’t understand how my performance is evaluated I can just ask, and for some naive reason I’m expecting a similar environment in the classroom. I considered emailing the professor to ask for an explanation, but I find myself afraid of insulting or angering her.

And really, I’m just there to learn, not to receive a grade, so I probably shouldn’t get too worked up. But at the same time, I’m putting in my valuable time and following certain rules to finish the work. It would be nice if there was some accountability on the other side as well.

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Ugh, school

by on September 27, 2010, in but in our house we never get bored, jump aboard the crazy train, life etc., perpetual student

I have hit the wall early this time. It always seems like a great idea for me to go back to school as I sit in my grey cubicle dreaming of education as some infinite stream of knowledge funneling its way into my brain like a freaking rainbow into a cloud.

But then reality hits sometime around the fourth week, and I realize that I have signed up for a shitload of homework and tests and—oh yeah!—I am still the world’s worst procrastinator. Luckily, my procrastination gene is located right next to my getting-shit-done-at-the-last-minute gene and is easily activated, so I haven’t fallen behind yet.

What is frustrating, though, is the professor. I want to like her, I really do. She’s an old school programmer who learned on the job and then went to school to hone her skillz, but despite the fact that she’s been teaching at Nashville State for more than a decade, she is one of the most goddamn-confusing professors I’ve ever had. Anywhere.

The class is a hybrid web course, which means that we meet for two hours once a week (instead of the traditional three) in the classroom, and then have numerous assignments to submit online before the next class day. There are two texts for the course, and each week’s assignment consists of reading the next chapter, a chapter pre-test, a chapter graded test, three debugging code exercises, one or more other exercises, and then generally a few exercises from the secondary text.

That is a lot of fucking work.

But it’s not just that, it’s that we have to look in about three different places online to even determine what all is due any given week, though I’ve kind of gotten used to that.

What irritates me the most, however, is that after four weeks of this I’ve only gotten feedback for one of the assignments I’ve turned in. She just hasn’t gotten around to grading anything else, I guess. And I would be all well and fine with that, since I’m sure grading is a pain in the ass, except she’s graded other people’s work. She’s graded Ian’s work, and he’s turned things in AFTER me.

And I would be happy to chalk this all up to some community college administration bureaucracy and give her the benefit of the doubt, except that when it comes to actually teaching? She’s just really not that great of a teacher. We go over a new chapter in the main text each week in class, but instead of explaining things in any semblance of order, she will start throwing shit up on the board and having us work out various things, and there never really seems to be any rhyme or reason to the order of things. And even after reading the chapter five bajillion times, there will be these crucial elements that don’t make any fucking sense in the text, and she will just kind of gloss over them.

This class is aimed to teach the logic of programming, and I’ve used the analogy before that it feels a lot like trying to learn to spell without being able to use actual words. And in that same vein, the best way to describe her teaching style is that we’re required to form complex English words before we’re taught what letters can and cannot be used together in the English language.

Luckily for me, Ian (who’s taking this class with me) has a programming background. The most amazing thing to me is how the professor can spend 15 minutes talking about something and just as my head is about to explode in confusion I can turn to him and say “Wait, but what the fuck does this mean?” and he will say “Oh, it’s this and this” and I will completely get it. He’d be a great professor as long as he could work at a place that didn’t mind him occasionally throwing out a “you dumbass” as he is enlightening minds.

On the other hand, this is the same man who got me to understand linear algebra in 45 minutes the night before the GRE, resulting in my pwning the math section of that test, so maybe he’s not so much a good teacher as he is a goddamn miracle worker.

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Back at it

by on September 8, 2010, in life etc., perpetual student

So if you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Flickr, you probably already know that I am back in college. Community college, but college nonetheless. After getting deeper and deeper into digital media at my job, two things have become apparent: 1. I really, really love web development and can see myself in this field for a long time, and 2. Not ever being formally trained in any kind of computer science is frustrating, to say the least.

And despite having taught myself everything I know, I need to be realistic. I am one of those people who just learns better when taught in an academic environment. Our company has a subscription to Lynda.com, where I can log in and do tutorials on pretty much anything I want to learn, but in the past year I just never have been able to find the time.

But paying an institution a few hundred dollars changes things. Well, that and the fact that I have enough fear of authority and that “good student” mentality left in me that if a professor tells me to do my homework, I will do it promptly.

So, yes, I am enrolled at Nashville State Community College, as oddly enough out of all of the schools in the area (save for Belmont, but who has $20k a semester to blow? Not this girl) it offered the best program for what I want to learn.

And surprisingly, I might actually pilfer a degree out of this experience, too. I wasn’t planning on it, but if I declare General Technology as my major and enough of my credits from MTSU transfer over, all I need are 15 hours taken at Nashville State to earn an associate’s degree. And there are at least five classes I see as being helpful, so we’ll see how that works out.

The first course I’m taking is called Program Logic and Design, and so far it seems to be a great introduction to programming in general. A bit confusing, but luckily Ian is taking the class with me and, as a former computer science major, he should be a great tutor. (Because he works for the state he gets one class a semester for free, and since we carpool he figured why not take the class?)

It’s a bit odd to have to worry about things like homework and tests again, but I’ve always felt that I would be a perpetual student. After spending six years in undergrad, this will be the third time I’ve gone back to school: Once when I briefly thought I wanted another bachelor’s degree (in Electronic Media Communications) and one long year in grad school—both endeavors that were terminated after I realized the programs were not really going to get me anywhere I couldn’t get on my own. And now this. But I will always love the smell of new books and the premise of new knowledge—especially in this case, where I can see how it will eventually help me in my career.

What I don’t know is how, back in college the first time, I ever took 12-18 credit hours, worked full time Monday through Friday and managed to party pretty much every night while still pulling off a 3 – 3.5 GPA every semester.

I was either brilliant, a huge nerd or really lucky.

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Well hello there.

by on September 22, 2009, in life etc., perpetual student, we don't always put the "fun" in dysfunctional

Life always seems to get in the way of blogging, and a year from now I’ll be kicking myself for not keeping a better record of my life in the season that is always my favorite.

Research tells me that people like reading stuff on the Internet in list format, so here’s a list of what’s going on with me lately:

1. I’m taking a photography class at Watkins (College of Art and Design) with my friend and co-worker Jamie. I took a few photo classes in high school and college, but as this class’ teacher pointed out, learning with film is different than learning with digital. And while I have the basic concepts down, I wanted a refresher. So much of what I shoot is just seeing what works, which I know can be a valid way of doing things, but I’d also like to learn more about the science behind it while pushing myself creatively. I’ll probably post some of my pictures from the class assignments here on this blog, and I’m sure I’ll be posting them over on my Flickr site.

2. In less than two weeks Ian and I will have been married for a year. It’s kind of surreal that it’s been a year already, but at the same time that confirms my hope that getting married doesn’t change things drastically if you were already doing it right.

2a. Yesterday I agonized all day over buying a new Crumpler bag, the 5 Million Dollar Home (I already have the 4MDH but wanted one slightly bigger so I could use it as my purse and carry my camera with me all the time), but ultimately held off because I was unsure of parting with the money. And then I came home and tried to discuss it with Ian, only to find out that he had bought it for me that day–and it was supposed to be my anniversary surprise! So I felt kind of bad I ruined the surprise but I was really touched that he remembered I had wanted it (I hadn’t told him about the agonizing earlier in the day). And he had brought home a pizza from our new favorite local pizza joint, Sal’s. It was really nice to come home to those surprises. I’m lucky.

3. My grandma was in the hospital recently, but was released yesterday and sent home on pain management medications. My mom said they’re trying to decide if it’s a blockage in her liver or pancreatic cancer, but either way there’s really not much to be done since she’s 93. I feel OK in knowing I was just up there in August to see her, but I also feel like there’s never enough time to just sit on the couch and talk about the old days with her. She might be feeble and have achy bones, but the woman can remember back to the Great Depression like a champion.

4. My middle sister Katie got engaged about a month or so ago to Junnhi, who she’s dated since high school. Don’t worry, I approve. They decided to copy take a cue (haha, kidding Katie!) from Ian and I and elope–to freakin’ Hawaii!–and then celebrate with peeps afterward. My mom is throwing them a family reception, which I’d love to attend but I doubt I will since the chances of my dad making it all about him and turning it into a WHY WON’T YOU JUST PRETEND I AM NOT ABUSIVE fiasco if I show up and refuse to engage him are pretty high. But Ian and I will be there for the friends-only reception they’re going to have at a bar, so it’s all good.

5. October is going to be a busy and fun month and I’m so excited! Plans (work schedule permitting–I’m busy busy on a huge project) include our wedding anniversary celebration, Oktoberfest in Nashville, Jack Daniel’s BBQ fest and a Halloween party at our house. Those of you who may remember the tradition of the Halloween party at Ian’s house in college, get ready: We’re bringing it back and adding trivia.

Edited to add: Ian pointed out I was kind of rude to mention a Halloween party without also including an invitation to anyone who was reading. So, if you’re reading, I know you (no creepers, sorry!), and you haven’t received an invite or evite and would like to come hang out with us, please email me and I’ll send you the details. And I’m sorry if I made you feel excluded.

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Random thoughts I had about MTSU while reading Sidelines

by on December 11, 2008, in around town, life etc., perpetual student, What I'm reading

1. I love reading the MTSU crime briefs. Hey assholes, stop leaving your book bags unattended when you go into the bookstore in the KUC. There are lockers there for a reason. Also, what kind of buzzkill calls the campus cops because she smells pot?

2. If you didn’t feel like you joined “the real world” until you graduated college, you’re an asshole. Obviously I only say this because I’m jealous, as I worked full-time my entire time in school.

3. Someone told me the other day that it now takes approximately five years to complete a bachelor’s degree at MTSU. And this is after they lowered the number of credit hours required to graduate. So now I don’t feel so bad about taking six years to graduate—as a double major—under the old, stricter rules. Yeah, I rule.

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"Insanity is not the same for all times and places, but is culturally defined"

by on October 7, 2007, in books...they are made of something called paper and ink, jump aboard the crazy train, perpetual student, What I'm reading

I am even more of a nerd than previously suspected

When I was in elementary, middle and high school, I hated history class. I did well enough to take the advanced classes, but I still hated it. I sucked at remembering dates, and I despised hearing about wars fought and lost from ancient times up through Desert Storm (not truly a war, but we still had to learn about that crap in high school some). War bored me, and to a certain extent it still does. I mean, aren’t we advanced enough to solve our differences without blowing each other to smitherines? Ok, that’s a different topic. Anyhoo…

The only thing that ever kept me going in history class was the social aspects. I loved the little vignettes in the books about how the people interacted, how they traded and bartered, what they wore, how they raised their children, etc. I was especially interested in medieval times; I think the sense of magic, mixed with the violence and nobility, drew me to it. In college I only had to take a couple general history courses, but I wish I would have had more money to spend on some medieval times courses. After I finished those two classes, I said good riddance to studying dates and boring wars for good.

But over the last year or so, I’ve found myself yearning to go back and re-study different periods in time. And I know exactly what triggered it–a book called The Social History of Western Civilization Ian found when we were going through our old textbooks, deciding which ones to sell and which to keep. We threw that book in the “sell” category (and I think it’s still on Half.com/Amazon, which I need to fix), but I grabbed it one day when I was looking for a book to read.

Well, I kept reading it off and on for the past year, and now that I’m about done with it I find myself wanting to read more. I discovered there was a volume two by the same author, and have found it listed on Amazon for about $10 including shipping.

But I wonder: Why didn’t I have a history class like Ian? He wasn’t a history major, so he must have just lucked out and had a teacher who chose to focus on the social history vs. warswarswarswarswars and other boring crap like mine did. I wonder if I had more teachers like his in grade school and high school, teachers who would have taken the time to figure out that hey, some students learn better when they have anectotes about the past to interest and stimulate them, would I have been a better student of history?

Because right now, as embarrassing as it is, I can not tell you the exact dates of WWI, WWII, when the battle of whateverthehellyouaretalkingabout was fought or who occupied certain countries at certain points in time. (I can tell you a little about Spanish and Mexican history because I had some awesome Spanish teachers, though.) But history that I’ve been supposedly learning, over and over, since birth? I haven’t retained much.

But I can tell you about swaddling, civil disorder, why people eschewed water and what they did with their insane in medieval Europe. And that makes for a whole hell of a lot better reading. To me, at least.

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Sometimes I Am Lucky

by on May 8, 2006, in life etc., perpetual student

Today I received my final grades for what are probably the last grad courses I will take for several years.

If you have read my previous posts, you will remember that I basically gave up on homework mid-semester, and my final papers for each class, that were supposed to be 20 pages each, were fused into one superpaper that was supposed to be 30 pages–which actually turned out to be about 10.

So I actually was expecting to fail. I was hoping really hard for a D in both courses, but since I hadn’t done homework since the mid-semester (when I still was getting an A in both courses but had no time or desire for the classes anymore) and came up waaaay short on the final paper (which was worth 40 percent of my grade) I was fully prepared to accept my first Fs in my entire scholastic career.

So imagine my elation when I checked my grades and discovered my professor had awarded me with Cs. Sweet, luminous Cs. I have never been so happy to be average in my life.

All the times in the past when I had worked my ass off and knew I deserved an A but got a B+ finally paid off. I deserved an F. Well, maybe a D. But I guess my professor took into account that I was giving up school work for work work, and that must mean something to him.

Hear this, mass comm students–I think I may have found the one professor in all of eternity that recognizes the importance of having a career outside of academia.

Or maybe he just didn’t want the Fs to reflect badly on him. Maybe since they were online courses he cut me some slack. There was a lot of work throughout the semester. The work I did actually complete was probably worth an entire semester anyway.

I could come up with hundreds of maybes, but at this point, the reason doesn’t matter.

I am done with my pursuit of a master’s degree for the time being, and with the threat of failure off my shoulders, I can start living it up before I wonder, again, where the years have gone.

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Hardest. Decision. Ever.

by on March 5, 2006, in life etc., perpetual student

I am really thinking about taking some time off from working on my master’s in mass communications. I say “taking time off” because I don’t want to say the word “quit.” I have come to realize that perhaps the result is not worth the sacrifice. I knew going in that when I got the master’s degree I would not automatically get a raise or a new career. I love my job right now. I think I started the degree when I was at the hospital because, even though I liked it there, I was not where I wanted to be career-wise. Now I feel that I am more on the right path.

I love my job. I love being a writer. One day, I would like to be an editor.

This does not require a master’s degree.

I feel like I am devoting all of my free time, what little of it I have, to school. There are times when I feel that it is holding me back from excelling at my job. Sometimes I would like to take stuff home from work to work on, but I can’t because I have homework.

I just really want to focus on my career, or on my LIFE, right now, and I don’t think that being in school is going to help much. Or any.

I talked to my boss about it, and she thinks that the only reason I’d need the master’s is if one day I’d like to teach, or if I want to go back into corporate America and move up the ranks. No thanks.

Plus, I can always go back, right?

The reasons I don’t want to quit? I don’t like quitting. I consider myself intelligent, I think others do, too, but for some reason I feel that I need a higher degree to validate that. (How’s that for doing it for all the wrong reasons?)

Also, I don’t want people to think I couldn’t handle it. I could handle it. I am handling it. I got my mid-semester grades today and I am making As in both classes.

I can handle the work and the subject matter. But the time I give up for it vs. what I get in return is not convincing anymore. I should not dread school; I have always loved it. But all of this theory and research and reading several hundred pages every week is just not cutting it anymore.

And knowing that there is a 99% chance nothing will change when I finish the degree (career wise), there isn’t much incentive left.

I think I am also a bit competitive with Ian, as he’s working on his master’s in biostatistics now. But it’s not the same program, so I need to stop feeling like I am less worthy if I quit. When he gets his master’s he’ll be able to move into a whole new career — that’s what he wants and needs. Not getting my master’s doesn’t make me less intelligent than him, does it? It can’t be that black and white. Everyone is intelligent in their own way, and I can’t even compete with him and his crazy-smart math brain. I know where I excel, and he knows where he (realllly) excels. He really is too cool for school. :)

So… if I’ve got my career already, what the hell am I doing punishing myself over this? Why is it so hard for me to just leave the program? I don’t have to burn any bridges… I can always go back if I need to.

I feel like I spent so much time in undergrad working or doing stuff for school that I missed out on some fun. I am afraid of the last of my 20s slipping away with my nose buried in books. I rarely leave the house on weekends anymore so that I can scramble to read my readings and write my papers. I am behind on everything in my life.

Why do I equate death with stopping? Isn’t it ok for me to NOT have 600 things going at once? Isn’t it ok for me to have a life? A hobby? Time to focus on myself and on my career? Does it mean I’m lazy if I actually have time to breathe?

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Back to School

by on January 30, 2006, in life etc., perpetual student

Yeah, so much for posting a lot more. School – though both classes are online this semester – is NOT easy. So much for easing back into it.

Each week I have to read several hundred pages… and then write an abstract (a.k.a. short paper) about each thing that I read. Sounds like it would be easy… but the readings are no piece of cake.

Anyway, things are going well at work. I’m really learning a lot about HTML and the Web program we use, and I get to write a whole heck of a lot. I’m starting to feel that “new girl” stigma ease off a little and feel like I’m getting to know the people there a little better. There are some really cool people there. I hope I’m as cool as some of them when I’m old(er). No offense to anyone over 45. :)

Well, I have to read and write for the class that’s due tonight, and then it’s on to tomorrow’s stuff.

Leave me comments of encouragement, people! (Or of how I shouldn’t complain so much, I don’t care!! Just comment!)

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Manifestations of masochism: My love/hate relationship with stress and what it produces

by on August 24, 2005, in life etc., perpetual student

The last few weeks at work have been hell. Ok, that sounds pretty negative. What I mean is, our whole department has been really overloaded, and it feels like the last three weeks actually took place in about three days. I really understand now what people mean when they talk about days slipping by.

It is a scary feeling.

My load seemed a little lighter at the end of last week, but now I’m feeling the pressure again. The thing is, it’s mostly stuff I really want to do. I have several projects that are really allowing me to be creative and start things from scratch, but that’s what’s taking so long, too. It’s hard to go through the creative process when you’ve got people calling and stopping by the office asking for things that are somewhat trivial in the whole scheme of things, but that they feel will make or break the existence of the universe.

But I am making progress, and I know that this is the nature of the business that I am in. And I am not trying to complain (contrary to the belief of Ian), just vent, I guess.

As stressed out and overworked as I may feel, I thrive on it. And I’m starting grad school next Monday, which will basically be like working another job. I am going to be stressed and nervous and tired and strung out on all the knowledge my brain takes in and production it puts out.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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