Covering up a regret

When I was 18 and freshly into Tennessee, a good friend of mine talked me into getting a tattoo. I know, not a good thing to let someone talk you into. I suppose it seemed like a good idea at the time, but 10 years later, not so much. I don’t regret the act of getting the tattoo, but I do regret what the tattoo is.

I used to think I wanted to get it lasered off, but that is expensive and never really works. Just look at Angelina Jolie’s arm. You know she has money and could afford the best laser tattoo-removal ever. And hers looks like shit.

So I’ve decided to get it covered up with something else—something more me. It sucks that the tattoo is black because even though it’s faded, I doubt I can get color put on over it… right??

Anyway, I’m OK with getting another black tattoo to cover it if I can’t get color. It’s small, so I am not really worried about the cost. I am concerned with finding a great tattoo artist who can match the design I want PERFECTLY. It cannot be his/her interpretation of what I want—it has to be exact.

So, um, any suggestions on where to go? I plan on visiting a few shops and asking them what they think of color, and if they can do the design exactly. Can’t they just trace that shit and make it exact?

Strangely quiet



Late sleeper

Originally uploaded by Megan_G.

Ian is in West Virginia for a funeral this weekend, so it’s just me and the cats. It’s already 1:20 p.m. and I haven’t accomplished any of the work or cleaning I need to, and I have only uttered—at the most—four words. All to the cats.

It’s overcast here, which is probably not helping my lack of motivation to get up, get dressed and get to work. That, and the fact that the cats are content to lay in the bed with me—on me—as long as I will let them.

Interlude

Last night was stormy, and when Ian and I got back from eating at Camino Real (where we could hear the rain beating on the roof and the music went out), we shortly discovered the TV, TiVo and Internet were out. We tried playing some Tiger Woods on the Wii, but the flickering power soon put an end to that.

So Ian grabbed a flashlight in case we lost power altogether and plugged his iPod up to the stereo, and I ran upstairs and grabbed Yahtzee. Before we gave the record player (and all the records!) back to his dad when we got our new living room furniture a few months ago, we used to listen to records and play Yahtzee pretty frequently.

As much as I love the Internet and he loves TV (and we both love video games), it was nice to be unplugged for a while. After a long day at work and a long ride home every day, it’s easy to fall into the eat-dinner-then-sit-on-the-couch-til-we-fall-asleep routine. Last night was a welcome break from that, where we simply enjoyed each other’s (and the cats’!) company.

Although, after the storm passed and I had I beaten his ass two games out of three, we were pretty quick to turn the TV back on. We are undoubtedly children of the media generation.

I’m going to get a reputation

So a couple of months back, I left the Evil Twin of cell phone companies and switched to AT&T in anticipation of the new iPhone 3G. And sweet glory hallelujah it was announced June 9 and will be available for me to purchase July 11.

Or so I hope.

Apparently AT&T is being a shady bitch, and the $199/$299 price announced might only be for new customers or current customers eligible for an upgrade. Well, since I just signed a freaking contract two months ago, of course I am not eligible for an upgrade. At first I was really pissed about this (OK, I still am), but Ian did bring up the point that I got my LG Shine at a subsidized price, so why should I expect to get the iPhone subsidized, too? Ok, yeah yeah, voice of reason, kill my cellphone-companies-suck buzz. Anyway, I can always sell the Shine on eBay to get some $$ to go toward the new iPhone.

But now I am reading reports of people who are in a similar situation as me and have called AT&T to inquire about the price of the phone only to be told they will NOT BE ALLOWED TO BUY THE PHONE AT ALL. At first I dismissed this, because honestly, what kind of a fucked-up business model is that? Don’t allow your current customers to buy a product you’re selling? And not just any product, mind you. The Jesus Phone. Yeah, I’d like to see them try that.

But I have read thread after thread of people who have called AT&T and received the same stupid news. Of course, I have also read more comments from people who have supposedly been told they will be able to purchase it at the subsidized price (I was told this as well when I called AT&T last week), and still others who have been told there will be a higher price for suckers like me who aren’t eligible for the upgrade, but AT&T has not determined that price yet. Although, if this proves to be true, I’m thinking it can’t be any more than $175 (the cost to terminate your contract early) on top of $199/$299, because then you’d just have people ending their contracts early and starting a new one w/ the iPhone. That plus a legion of pissed off Apple fanboys does NOT equal good times. Applepocolypse, maybe.

Ah, fuck. Come on, people. You think AT&T would have their shit together on this BEFORE the damn thing was announced. It’s not like this is some lame-ass Blackberry or Samsung phone or whatever—it’s the goddamn iPhone!

Whatever the truth is, I wish they’d just announce it already, so I can get on to worry about more important things. Like what color I’m going to buy!

Note: As I was combing the rumor sites this weekend, I came across my newest favorite saying. I am giggling to myself right now thinking about it. In response to AT&T not allowing current non-iPhone AT&T customers to buy the iPhone 3G, a commenter somewhere noted that if that were the case, AT&T could “mouthify my wang.” HAHAHAHAHA. Yes, I am 12 years old. Shut it.

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Riddle me this

So while I was wallowing in the shit that has been my last week and a half, a bright spot appeared Monday: the 3G iPhone! Anyone who knows me knows my little heart has been set on it coming out for the past year, and now I only have to wait until July 11.

The new version will feature, besides 3G Internet speed, GPS tracking and push e-mail (which requires, if I’m correct, a subscription to the new MobileMe service, which I already have since I’m a .Mac customer and will be transferred over.) I’m sure there are several other new features, but I really don’t care to touch on them right now. I’m just stoked I will finally get my iPhone.

I’m thinking I’m going to get the 16 GB because it’s only $100 more for twice the storage size. It’s not going to be my primary music source (that will be reserved for my trusty, beloved iPod Photo 40 GB), but 16 GB is enough space to carry around the music I need for my daily commute, or for when I just don’t want to carry an iPod and a cell phone. Which probably won’t be too often, but whatever.

Now the option that plagues me is whether to purchase the white or black model. I like the idea of the black one because of the sleek factor, and that it won’t show dirt as easily. However, it will show fingerprints. But, since I most likely will use a case with either, those factors will most likely be negated. My iPod Photo is white, old-school iPod style, so maybe white would be nice again? Or will it maybe fade, old-school computer style?

So: black or white? Weigh in and help me decide in the comments!!

Update: Earlier today some Twitterers and I were discussing whether current AT&T customers that are not eligible for a phone upgrade would be getting fucked by having to pay extra on top of the subsidized price. Several blogs seemed to indicate that yes, indeed we would be. However, I called AT&T after work and told them that I had just signed up for AT&T a couple months ago BECAUSE of the iPhone, and that I would be severely pissed if I signed up for the iPhone only to be told I’d be penalized and have to pay an extra fee to get the phone. A helpful rep said he had a memo to address just that, scanned it, and read me a portion that said something to the effect of, “Customers who normally wouldn’t be eligible for a handset upgrade due to tenure will be made eligible” for the iPhone. He said it appeared they were making an exception because the iPhone is brand new. He asked what kind of handset I have now (LG Shine) and said I should have no problem purchasing the 3G iPhone July 11 or later for the $199 or $299 price.

Let’s hope to jebus he’s right!!!

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Some are like water, some are like the heat

Mentally and physically, I am so tired. I have attended two funerals in one week for two people close to me. Last week my best friend’s mom. Yesterday my cousin’s. I did not see it coming. I am so exhausted of thinking about death and what it means and what it leaves behind. I’m afraid to say too much, because last week when I said things were looking up someone else died.

Last Thursday I got a call from my sister, and then my mom, that my 27-year-old cousin had committed suicide. Today we’re not sure that’s the case, but whether he meant to or not, what I was told is that the consensus is that he did in fact kill himself. I don’t know who in my family reads this blog, so I’m not going to go into anymore detail here.

Joe was two years younger than me, two years older than my middle sister Katie. Sarah, Joe’s sister, is my age. Their dad, Phil, is my mom’s brother. My mom has four older brothers and one younger sister, but she and Phil were the closest. Phil and Donna and my parents were great friends when they were younger. Sarah, Joe, Katie and I grew up together. We were all close. Sarah and I remain close to this day.

The initial plan was that I would drive up to Chicago (the funeral was in Northwest Indiana–my aunt, uncle and cousin/s live/d in Indiana about an hour east of Chicago) for the funeral on Saturday and drive back Tuesday, as the funeral was Monday. I took off early Saturday morning and got about 60 miles south of Indianapolis when I saw the sign: I-65 North closed due to flooding. Indianapolis and its surrounding areas had been declared a state of emergency earlier that day. My sister had checked the weather before I left, but didn’t see anything about that. Just that it was going to be rainy.

After several calls to Ian and my sister, it was clear I was stuck on 65 until the next exit, which was about six miles away. It took me about an hour and a half to get there. Consulting my atlas, my cousin, and with Katie and Junnhi on Mapquest, we found an alternate route that would take me down state and U.S. highways and into Terra Haute, up to Danville, and then onto I-57 in Illinois and up to Chicago through Illinois. It would add an additional six hours onto my trip–I was already on the road for six. But I really wanted to be there for the funeral, so I was going to attempt it. Since I was already pulled off at a truck stop, I decided to go and check with the locals to make sure the side roads were open. An emergency worker told me U.S. 50 was fine, but a lot of the other roads west of there were flooded, and I’d be chancing running into standing water.

I went into the truck stop and saw on CNN just how bad Indianapolis was. A man next to me commented on how horrible it was, and I told him my planned route. He laughed. He and his brother were truckers, and his brother had been trying to get to Terra Haute–where I would be headed–except it was totally flooded. The interstate there was closed, too. There was no way to get to Illinois except to go back to Kentucky and pick up 57 there. Well, I wasn’t going to drive five hours backward just to have another 10 hours ahead of me, making my total drive time–in one day–21 hours. He told me pretty much the fastest way to get to Chicago by car that weekend would be to drive to Cincinnati, Ohio, then up to Fort Wayne, then along the Michigan border to South Bend, then over to Chicago. When I got back to the car and called Katie, that would have added another nine hours to my already six-hour-long trip. At a minimum. That’s not counting the extra traffic that would be on the road. And who knows how I would get home.

I called my cousin and aunt and told them I didn’t think I could make it. They were sympathetic, and couldn’t believe I’d already driven as much as I had. But I broke down. I wanted to be there so bad. It was the second unexpected death in exactly one week. And this one was for my cousin, for christ’s sake. I was so angry. So disappointed in myself. And in Indiana. FUCK THAT STATE. The last THREE times I’ve tried to drive to Chicago there has been some kind of fucking natural disaster. FUCK YOU, I-65 in Indiana.

As I drove back home on 65 South, I lost it. I cried hard and stupid and snot ran down my face. I’m sure to the people around me I looked like a hazard. A sobbing, red-faced, crazy road hazard.

But my sister called my parents and told them about a flight she found me for $300, and they agreed to fly me in. And I am so grateful.

After 11 hours of driving around fucking Indiana and Kenfucky, I made it back to Murfreesboro by 9 p.m., ate something, repacked my suitcase to make it airline friendly, and went to bed. I had to get up at 4 a.m. to fly out Sunday morning.

Sunday I spent with my immediate family and my grandma, and Monday was the visitation and funeral. I don’t really know how to describe it. The casket was open, and there was Joe, laying there, with his fishing pole and cooler by the base, like he was going to wake up any second and head for the lake. It’s so surreal. I don’t really know what to say.

The last time I was in Hobart, Ind., was for Joe and Erica’s wedding in 2004. Now I was there for his funeral.

I don’t know what to say about that. I don’t think I can say anything. Nothing will make it better. Time won’t make it better. It will get easier to think about, but it won’t bring him back. There is nothing anyone can do.

I kept wanting to say how bad life sucks this weekend. I saw all the hurt and sorrow and pure, unbridled grief, and wanted to scream. But I realize that I wasn’t feeling this way because life is so shitty. It’s because life is sweet. And Joe will miss out on so much. And that is what is such a fucking shame.


They told you life is long
Be thankful when it’s done
Don’t ask for more, be grateful
But I tell you life is short
Be thankful, because before you know it
It will be over
Because life is sweet
Life is all so very short
Life is sweet

Make it stop

A few minutes into my commute home tonight I got a call from my middle sister, Katie.

Today, exactly one month before his 27th birthday, my cousin Joe lost his battle with depression.

When I got home, I realized I hadn’t even taken the leaflet from my best friend’s mom’s funeral out of my car yet.

I’m almost afraid to say it

This weekend I thought the world was going to fall down around me, but I think the rain of shittiness might be letting up. Just a bit.

BK, after seeming near death all Saturday and Sunday, started feeling better yesterday and is great today. It’s hard to tell what was really wrong with her, but she’s eating like, well, someone who didn’t eat for two days, and is back to her normal scampy self.

My 92-year-old grandma was admitted to the hospital Monday morning for high blood pressure, and was also told she would need to have a pacemaker put in. My mom told me she was on the fence about it, and was pretty much just ready to go. After attending the funeral for my best friend’s mom that morning, I was already a wreck, and hearing that was not good for my emotional well-being. Let’s just say I cried a lot in the bathroom at work on Monday. But the good news is that she listened to my mom and the doctor and agreed to have it put in, and she came through the surgery fine today and is on her way to healing nicely. She should be back at home tomorrow, I think, and will have someone check in on her for a while until she gets back to her usual self.

There’s really nothing good I can report about my best friend’s mom’s death, except maybe that she went in her sleep (she had an aneurysm burst early Thursday morning, and she passed at about 2 a.m. Friday morning). While it sucks watching my friend have to go through this, I know she will be OK. And she knows it will be OK. It just takes time. I’m probably going to help her sort through some of her mom’s belongings next week. Whenever she’s ready. I wish I knew something I could say or do, but I know there’s nothing that will make it better.